I could give up everything else in my life if only I could create and create well for the rest of my life. By "create well" I do not mean any work of genius or lucratively successful. I simply mean disciplined, experimental, and completely abandoned to the art and medium in front of me.
Many different art forms are calling out to me in voices I simply can't refuse. Their voices are so persistent, I find that theatre has dropped from the forefront of my mind and "art" has taken its place.
This is an interesting sensation.
The powers of articulation are failing me in that I cannot express exactly what I am thinking and feeling. It is more of a feeling....as if one could feel thoughts rather than eloquently string them into a sentence with any rational meaning. In fact, I would try to elucidate further, but a flute lesson beckons me to arrive on time.
Suffice it to say, I would dearly love to throw off all constraints of time, space, money, and any other obstacle in my way and simply create. Simply produce art. Simply serve the art that approaches me asking, as Madelaine L'Engle says in Walking on Water, "Here I am. Enflesh me. Give birth to me."
I ought to be doing homework right now but other thoughts keep creeping in, so therefore I must follow their lead and ramble awhile.
I would like to eat an entire box of fudgesicles right now, but alas, I don't have any. They would be delightful, though.
I think they should make a glow stick tiara. I would buy one. Or seven.
I want to snap my fingers and be done with classes. That'd be nice!
How do things grow? It is really a bizarre concept if you think about it too long.
I need to write more. I miss it immensely. I need to discipline myself to write more.
I love what God is doing in my heart. It hurts quite a bit, but it is so worth it. Honestly, I'd rather have the pain of God working in my life than the comfortable absence of God.
I miss blogging. I will do this more often. Though perhaps with more introspection and philosophizing.
Things don't always work out the way you think they will. In fact, recently, I have not gotten a single thing I want. Very interesting. But I'm okay with it. God knows best.
Ugh. Homework is calling. Homework has a very nasty voice. You don't want to listen to the voice of homework. Ever. Ew.
I will ramble more later..... :)
I would like to eat an entire box of fudgesicles right now, but alas, I don't have any. They would be delightful, though.
I think they should make a glow stick tiara. I would buy one. Or seven.
I want to snap my fingers and be done with classes. That'd be nice!
How do things grow? It is really a bizarre concept if you think about it too long.
I need to write more. I miss it immensely. I need to discipline myself to write more.
I love what God is doing in my heart. It hurts quite a bit, but it is so worth it. Honestly, I'd rather have the pain of God working in my life than the comfortable absence of God.
I miss blogging. I will do this more often. Though perhaps with more introspection and philosophizing.
Things don't always work out the way you think they will. In fact, recently, I have not gotten a single thing I want. Very interesting. But I'm okay with it. God knows best.
Ugh. Homework is calling. Homework has a very nasty voice. You don't want to listen to the voice of homework. Ever. Ew.
I will ramble more later..... :)
Wow, it has been a long time since I have written here! And technically, I should be writing my play....I have 5 scenes to go, 3 of which we are rehearsing tomorrow night! EEK! But for now, my whimsical, rambling thoughts take precedent.
I love to smile. I love it so much. I'm not particularly overfond of my smile, but the very act of it makes me happy. Today I was incredibly irritated, more than I have been in a very long time, but I forced myself to smile to myself. Then I intentionally smiled (and perhaps excessively smiled!) at my customers. Then I found myself smiling unconsciously and suddenly my irritations vanished.
My skirt was a twirling skirt, so I twirled to my heart's content right there at work. My coworkers laughed at me, but I think secretly they wished they had a twirling skirt, too. That made me smile. The twirling part, not the jealous coworkers. :)
A woman came in today with her 10 month old baby girl named - Naomi. :) She was a darling, shy little thing. She made me smile.
I said to my coworker at about 6:35 p.m., "I doubt we'll have another customer tonight." Literally two seconds later the bell up front said, "DING!" signally the entrance of a customer. Ha! That really made me smile.
I love to smile. I love seeing other people smile. Perhaps that's why I love theatre. I love to see people light up and their facial muscles involuntary expand, revealing their glee as well as their teeth. It's tangible happiness. Unless it's a mean and evil smile. Those I don't like.
I would like a flower. Preferably a lilac...in which case it would be a bunch of flowers. But a flower would sincerely make me smile. I have the perfect little vase for a single flower, but I've never had an opportunity to use it. Someday soon I will. That will make me smile a lot.
Life is exciting to me right now. Things are happening so fast and discoveries are made everyday. I love being 23. It's a happy age and a delightful year so far. I've smiled a lot.
And now I must return to my life as a serious playwright. I will smile when this play is finished being written. :D
I love to smile. I love it so much. I'm not particularly overfond of my smile, but the very act of it makes me happy. Today I was incredibly irritated, more than I have been in a very long time, but I forced myself to smile to myself. Then I intentionally smiled (and perhaps excessively smiled!) at my customers. Then I found myself smiling unconsciously and suddenly my irritations vanished.
My skirt was a twirling skirt, so I twirled to my heart's content right there at work. My coworkers laughed at me, but I think secretly they wished they had a twirling skirt, too. That made me smile. The twirling part, not the jealous coworkers. :)
A woman came in today with her 10 month old baby girl named - Naomi. :) She was a darling, shy little thing. She made me smile.
I said to my coworker at about 6:35 p.m., "I doubt we'll have another customer tonight." Literally two seconds later the bell up front said, "DING!" signally the entrance of a customer. Ha! That really made me smile.
I love to smile. I love seeing other people smile. Perhaps that's why I love theatre. I love to see people light up and their facial muscles involuntary expand, revealing their glee as well as their teeth. It's tangible happiness. Unless it's a mean and evil smile. Those I don't like.
I would like a flower. Preferably a lilac...in which case it would be a bunch of flowers. But a flower would sincerely make me smile. I have the perfect little vase for a single flower, but I've never had an opportunity to use it. Someday soon I will. That will make me smile a lot.
Life is exciting to me right now. Things are happening so fast and discoveries are made everyday. I love being 23. It's a happy age and a delightful year so far. I've smiled a lot.
And now I must return to my life as a serious playwright. I will smile when this play is finished being written. :D
How cool is God?
I mean, seriously! I serve a seriously rocking, awesome, totally cool God!
As I sit here eating pot roast, potatoes, carrots, and onions, I just have to giggle my thanks out to God for being such an awesome provider. I'm a grad student and, as is well known, grad students live on a very tight budget. We can't afford pot roast and vegetables. Heck, we're lucky if we get real food, a.k.a. something that isn't frozen or fast. Well, these next two and a half weeks are really especially tight. I am not able to work as many hours as I'd like to because of school commitments, so that leaves me with very small paychecks. Basically, enough for rent and barely enough for gas. And food? What food? I certainly can't afford to eat! Which is where God steps in. God, this awesome Father who provided my family with a miracle deer in '98, who gave us Christmas gifts all those years when we had none, who filled our kitchen to overflowing when we were down to nothing, who housed us when we were displaced, who has simply provided for us over and over again, has been meeting me in my need. I've been eating like a king lately! For real, people have randomly been giving me meals that are far better, more delicious, and certainly more nutritious than any meal I would have bought for myself. And I believe that He is going to continue to provide for me. I have no need to worry what I will eat tomorrow. God is just too cool!
I'm polishing my nails bright red again in preparation for "As You Like It" this weekend. I'm excited to perform again. I truly love performance. But I also love directing. So much. I'm very excited to see what the new semester brings with my theatre ministry internship. SO excited!!!
Perhaps it's the nail polish fumes, perhaps it's the happy little thought in the back of my head, but I am very happy tonight. I am content with my life as it currently is and excited to see what happens. I am so ready to just start pursuing my dreams! I feel like I am going to start on that journey tomorrow when I talk with my pastor about the internship and starting a theatre ministry. How cool! I love it when something you've dreamed of for a long time begins to come true. With so many dreams in my heart, I think I'll be seeing dreams come true for the rest of my life. I can think of a few that I'd like to see come true within the coming year..... :D
I'm so glad I live in a world where dreams come true. I'm looking around my room and the word "dream" is present six times in various signs, posters, and images, while several other dream-like words (believe, live, laugh, love, hope, etc) accompany it as well. There really is nothing stopping me. God has birthed dreams in my heart and He is going to see that they are accomplished--and for His glory, too!
What is God dreaming in your heart today? How is God providing for you today?
Pot roast and nail polish. Seriously, I love my life.
I mean, seriously! I serve a seriously rocking, awesome, totally cool God!
As I sit here eating pot roast, potatoes, carrots, and onions, I just have to giggle my thanks out to God for being such an awesome provider. I'm a grad student and, as is well known, grad students live on a very tight budget. We can't afford pot roast and vegetables. Heck, we're lucky if we get real food, a.k.a. something that isn't frozen or fast. Well, these next two and a half weeks are really especially tight. I am not able to work as many hours as I'd like to because of school commitments, so that leaves me with very small paychecks. Basically, enough for rent and barely enough for gas. And food? What food? I certainly can't afford to eat! Which is where God steps in. God, this awesome Father who provided my family with a miracle deer in '98, who gave us Christmas gifts all those years when we had none, who filled our kitchen to overflowing when we were down to nothing, who housed us when we were displaced, who has simply provided for us over and over again, has been meeting me in my need. I've been eating like a king lately! For real, people have randomly been giving me meals that are far better, more delicious, and certainly more nutritious than any meal I would have bought for myself. And I believe that He is going to continue to provide for me. I have no need to worry what I will eat tomorrow. God is just too cool!
I'm polishing my nails bright red again in preparation for "As You Like It" this weekend. I'm excited to perform again. I truly love performance. But I also love directing. So much. I'm very excited to see what the new semester brings with my theatre ministry internship. SO excited!!!
Perhaps it's the nail polish fumes, perhaps it's the happy little thought in the back of my head, but I am very happy tonight. I am content with my life as it currently is and excited to see what happens. I am so ready to just start pursuing my dreams! I feel like I am going to start on that journey tomorrow when I talk with my pastor about the internship and starting a theatre ministry. How cool! I love it when something you've dreamed of for a long time begins to come true. With so many dreams in my heart, I think I'll be seeing dreams come true for the rest of my life. I can think of a few that I'd like to see come true within the coming year..... :D
I'm so glad I live in a world where dreams come true. I'm looking around my room and the word "dream" is present six times in various signs, posters, and images, while several other dream-like words (believe, live, laugh, love, hope, etc) accompany it as well. There really is nothing stopping me. God has birthed dreams in my heart and He is going to see that they are accomplished--and for His glory, too!
What is God dreaming in your heart today? How is God providing for you today?
Pot roast and nail polish. Seriously, I love my life.
Let me start by saying, I miss my mother oh so much.
There's a cheesy little picture frame at work that has a poem that bothers me to no end because it sounds so unfinished, but the sentiment is sweet. Bothered or not, it still gets me every time I see it. It goes:
Even when you're grown up, a mother is always there
To make you smile, help you through, and chase away your fears.
Ever when you're grown up, a mother is still by your side.
It begs to have another line, I know, but I didn't write it. If I did, I would have written something like this:
Harmony
A mother and daughter singing the same song
Two hearts speaking as one
One older, wiser, always tender
One tended, guided, and loved
The notes often change, though the tune stays the same
Seasons shift
Distance drives a wedge
But a mere rest cannot end a song
The melody grows richer
The harmony is sweeter
Age aids beauty
The song goes on
And on
And on forever
Mother and daughter, two hearts always singing the same song
THAT is what I'd put on that picture frame rather than the cheesy little unfinished poem.
I worked for 9 hours today and saw all sorts of people come through my little store. What struck me most was the number of mother-daughter pairs. They were in all different seasons of life. A mother and her 12 year old daughter browsed the Pandora counter. A woman bought her 55+ year old daughter a beautiful ring. A 27 year old and her mom made a quick circuit of the store and breezed out, chatting in hushed tones about the lack of things they wanted there. A spoiled 8 year old got exactly what she wanted, regardless of the price--her mother couldn't stop buying for her. A mother and her teenager giggled excitedly as they registered for the $500 shopping spree, imagining what they'd buy if they won. One woman is due to have her little girl in January.
I loved it. And hated it. Like I said, I miss my mother and they only served to remind me of that. I loved observing them. Each daughter was so like her mother. Half the time they didn't even have to say anything to each other; they just pointed, nudged, nodded, and giggled together, instantly knowing the other's thoughts. Each wanted-needed-the other's opinion and advice in order to make a decision. They relied on each other for joy and shopping expertise. You could see the deep connections that held them together despite the various ages.
Mothers who purposely create these life-lasting bonds are certainly treasures. My life is lacking without my mother by my side, but is fulfilled by knowing she is always there for me--just a phone call (or text!) away!
I love you, Mom!
There's a cheesy little picture frame at work that has a poem that bothers me to no end because it sounds so unfinished, but the sentiment is sweet. Bothered or not, it still gets me every time I see it. It goes:
Even when you're grown up, a mother is always there
To make you smile, help you through, and chase away your fears.
Ever when you're grown up, a mother is still by your side.
It begs to have another line, I know, but I didn't write it. If I did, I would have written something like this:
Harmony
A mother and daughter singing the same song
Two hearts speaking as one
One older, wiser, always tender
One tended, guided, and loved
The notes often change, though the tune stays the same
Seasons shift
Distance drives a wedge
But a mere rest cannot end a song
The melody grows richer
The harmony is sweeter
Age aids beauty
The song goes on
And on
And on forever
Mother and daughter, two hearts always singing the same song
THAT is what I'd put on that picture frame rather than the cheesy little unfinished poem.
I worked for 9 hours today and saw all sorts of people come through my little store. What struck me most was the number of mother-daughter pairs. They were in all different seasons of life. A mother and her 12 year old daughter browsed the Pandora counter. A woman bought her 55+ year old daughter a beautiful ring. A 27 year old and her mom made a quick circuit of the store and breezed out, chatting in hushed tones about the lack of things they wanted there. A spoiled 8 year old got exactly what she wanted, regardless of the price--her mother couldn't stop buying for her. A mother and her teenager giggled excitedly as they registered for the $500 shopping spree, imagining what they'd buy if they won. One woman is due to have her little girl in January.
I loved it. And hated it. Like I said, I miss my mother and they only served to remind me of that. I loved observing them. Each daughter was so like her mother. Half the time they didn't even have to say anything to each other; they just pointed, nudged, nodded, and giggled together, instantly knowing the other's thoughts. Each wanted-needed-the other's opinion and advice in order to make a decision. They relied on each other for joy and shopping expertise. You could see the deep connections that held them together despite the various ages.
Mothers who purposely create these life-lasting bonds are certainly treasures. My life is lacking without my mother by my side, but is fulfilled by knowing she is always there for me--just a phone call (or text!) away!
I love you, Mom!
Do you know what???
God is good! He is just so good!
He is faithful to restore my dreams. He is faithful to fill me up with hope. He is faithful to overfill me with joy.
He is the reason I sing.
He is the reason I rock out in my car.
He is the reason I whirl around recklessly in my room.
He is my joy and my salvation!
I am SO in love!
I can't get over how in love with Jesus I am! Like a blushing bride, I am eager to see His face, to hear His voice, to feel His touch. Oh, how my heart longs for Him when I feel distant....when I go on a trip away from Him. But He is always waiting right there when I come back and so often He chases me down and won't let me go away without kissing me one more time...which makes me change my mind and stay close by His side.
I just think He's so awesome! :D
I've been so challenged this week, challenged by circumstances, situations, emotions, etc., but I've been trying to count it all joy....and now, finally, I'm not just "counting it as joy", it IS JOY!!!!
I've been thinking lately about this whole "faith the size of a mustard seed" or "faith like a child" or "faith to move mountains" or "faith to walk on water" or that whole "you will do greater things than I".
Really?? Could I really move a mountain?? Can I really walk on water??? My faith is bigger than a mustard seed---I've seen God do miracles! I know what He's done for me!!! I see His hand in my life all the time. Bigger than a mustard seed. My faith is like a child's! I can't help but smile and even giggle in His presence. I am constantly in awe at what my big God can do. I have faith like a child.
So let's move some mountains! Think I'm kidding?? I most certainly am not!
Hmm....what are the mountains in my life that I want to move?......
Fear of the unknown. Anxiety. Finances.
Mountain of Fear--MOVE!
Mountain of Anxiety--MOVE!
Mountain of Finances--MOVE!
Crash into the sea all of you! Be gone forever!!!!!
Hmmmm....what are the seas that I need to walk over, unhindered by the waves around me?
The future. Stress.
Sea of the Future--I will not slip on your waves!
Sea of Stress--I shall not drown in you!!!
Be prepared to be walked over!
For my God shall supply ALL my needs according to HIS riches and glory through CHRIST JESUS.
This life holds so much more than meets the eye. It's time to claim it in Jesus' name. So many things will try to drag me down. It's time to call out the name of JESUS, to speak PEACE BE STILL in the midst of my storm, and to have the faith of child to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
It doesn't matter what tomorrow brings. God is faithful.
It doesn't matter that plans fall through. God is faithful.
It doesn't matter that doors slam in my face. God is faithful.
It doesn't matter that doubts try to creep in. GOD IS FAITHFUL.
He is faithful to complete what He has started. Well, He started me 23 years ago and He is finished yet!!!!
God made me with a specific vision in mind. He has a purpose for my life. And I am SO OPEN to His leading. Wherever, whenever, whatever. I mean that with all my heart.
I don't need to be astonishing for the world. I don't need to be astonishing for myself. I don't need to be astonishing for God. But I think I will be astonished when I look back at what God has done with my life.
I have faith because God loves me. I have faith because God has been faithful to me. I have faith because everything within me rejoices when I even THINK about Him.
Faith like a child. Faith like a bride. Faith.
Lord, use your servant, so full of joy, eager to complete your will, loving to sit at your feet, longing for more of you, and faithful to the end.
God is good! He is just so good!
He is faithful to restore my dreams. He is faithful to fill me up with hope. He is faithful to overfill me with joy.
He is the reason I sing.
He is the reason I rock out in my car.
He is the reason I whirl around recklessly in my room.
He is my joy and my salvation!
I am SO in love!
I can't get over how in love with Jesus I am! Like a blushing bride, I am eager to see His face, to hear His voice, to feel His touch. Oh, how my heart longs for Him when I feel distant....when I go on a trip away from Him. But He is always waiting right there when I come back and so often He chases me down and won't let me go away without kissing me one more time...which makes me change my mind and stay close by His side.
I just think He's so awesome! :D
I've been so challenged this week, challenged by circumstances, situations, emotions, etc., but I've been trying to count it all joy....and now, finally, I'm not just "counting it as joy", it IS JOY!!!!
I've been thinking lately about this whole "faith the size of a mustard seed" or "faith like a child" or "faith to move mountains" or "faith to walk on water" or that whole "you will do greater things than I".
Really?? Could I really move a mountain?? Can I really walk on water??? My faith is bigger than a mustard seed---I've seen God do miracles! I know what He's done for me!!! I see His hand in my life all the time. Bigger than a mustard seed. My faith is like a child's! I can't help but smile and even giggle in His presence. I am constantly in awe at what my big God can do. I have faith like a child.
So let's move some mountains! Think I'm kidding?? I most certainly am not!
Hmm....what are the mountains in my life that I want to move?......
Fear of the unknown. Anxiety. Finances.
Mountain of Fear--MOVE!
Mountain of Anxiety--MOVE!
Mountain of Finances--MOVE!
Crash into the sea all of you! Be gone forever!!!!!
Hmmmm....what are the seas that I need to walk over, unhindered by the waves around me?
The future. Stress.
Sea of the Future--I will not slip on your waves!
Sea of Stress--I shall not drown in you!!!
Be prepared to be walked over!
For my God shall supply ALL my needs according to HIS riches and glory through CHRIST JESUS.
This life holds so much more than meets the eye. It's time to claim it in Jesus' name. So many things will try to drag me down. It's time to call out the name of JESUS, to speak PEACE BE STILL in the midst of my storm, and to have the faith of child to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
It doesn't matter what tomorrow brings. God is faithful.
It doesn't matter that plans fall through. God is faithful.
It doesn't matter that doors slam in my face. God is faithful.
It doesn't matter that doubts try to creep in. GOD IS FAITHFUL.
He is faithful to complete what He has started. Well, He started me 23 years ago and He is finished yet!!!!
God made me with a specific vision in mind. He has a purpose for my life. And I am SO OPEN to His leading. Wherever, whenever, whatever. I mean that with all my heart.
I don't need to be astonishing for the world. I don't need to be astonishing for myself. I don't need to be astonishing for God. But I think I will be astonished when I look back at what God has done with my life.
I have faith because God loves me. I have faith because God has been faithful to me. I have faith because everything within me rejoices when I even THINK about Him.
Faith like a child. Faith like a bride. Faith.
Lord, use your servant, so full of joy, eager to complete your will, loving to sit at your feet, longing for more of you, and faithful to the end.
Oh, I love being young and single and independent! There is nothing like it.
I love to drive down the highway, hair flowing in the wind, belting at the top of lungs to the windshield before me.
I love to choose what I want to eat, when I want to eat it.
I love to stay up late and sleep in all day and stay in my pajamas as long as I can.
I love to watch what I want, read when I want, and talk on the phone as long and loud as I want.
I love being young and single and independent.
But it can be lonely.
The heart of the independent woman craves adventure and excitement. But as much as it's wonderful to be alone and on your own, it's hard to not share it with someone. And it's not even that she needs a man to share life with. A best friend will do just fine--even better sometimes!!
I love being young and single and independent.
But it can be frustrating.
The heart of the independent woman bursts with dreams. It pushes against the walls of the box the world tries to shove her in. It aches when a dream must be postponed or put aside because money must be made or lessons must be learned or the timing is just not right. And not that everything must be accomplished at once. But it would be nice to at least be working towards one or two.
I LOVE being young and single and independent.
It can be so fulfilling.
The heart of the independent woman has so much potential to love, to empathize, to soothe, and the inspire. She can dream wider and farther than anyone else because in her heart she has seen the world. She can find happiness and contentment in the smallest thing simply because it makes her smile. Nothing holds her back because her heart is always moving forward regardless of the world around her.
The heart of woman is always young and single and independent, regardless of her age, relationship status, or state of being, for the heart of woman has been made with special care and a great capacity for love, vision, and fortitude.
I love being a woman.
I love to drive down the highway, hair flowing in the wind, belting at the top of lungs to the windshield before me.
I love to choose what I want to eat, when I want to eat it.
I love to stay up late and sleep in all day and stay in my pajamas as long as I can.
I love to watch what I want, read when I want, and talk on the phone as long and loud as I want.
I love being young and single and independent.
But it can be lonely.
The heart of the independent woman craves adventure and excitement. But as much as it's wonderful to be alone and on your own, it's hard to not share it with someone. And it's not even that she needs a man to share life with. A best friend will do just fine--even better sometimes!!
I love being young and single and independent.
But it can be frustrating.
The heart of the independent woman bursts with dreams. It pushes against the walls of the box the world tries to shove her in. It aches when a dream must be postponed or put aside because money must be made or lessons must be learned or the timing is just not right. And not that everything must be accomplished at once. But it would be nice to at least be working towards one or two.
I LOVE being young and single and independent.
It can be so fulfilling.
The heart of the independent woman has so much potential to love, to empathize, to soothe, and the inspire. She can dream wider and farther than anyone else because in her heart she has seen the world. She can find happiness and contentment in the smallest thing simply because it makes her smile. Nothing holds her back because her heart is always moving forward regardless of the world around her.
The heart of woman is always young and single and independent, regardless of her age, relationship status, or state of being, for the heart of woman has been made with special care and a great capacity for love, vision, and fortitude.
I love being a woman.
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