Dysfunctional Fairytale

The following is the fairytale I told to Timmy tonight to help him fall asleep. *Clear throat*

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, lived a farmer. Now the farmer loved to rake. Whenever he was stressed, he would grab his rake and go outside and start raking the ground. He found it soothing.

One day, he was raking as usual when he struck something hard. He raked away the dirt and discovered---a treasure chest. He dug it up and opened the chest. Inside were jewels, crowns, gold, silver, pearls, coins, and jewelry. He was so rich! But what could he do about it?

"I can't tell my neighbors," he thought, "for they will kill me in my sleep and take my treasure. I can't tell my wife," he continued, "for she will poison my food, take the riches, and go marry a prince. I can't tell my animals," he moaned, "for they will stampede me to death, take the money, and go buy themselves a better farm. Who can I tell???"

He looked down at his trusted rake and said, "I can only tell you, Rake. You are my only true friend. If you promise not to tell anyone, I will buy you a golden handle."

Now the rake was pleased with this prospect, for what rake had a golden handle?? He decided to keep his mouth shut...or would have if he had a mouth.

So the farmer buried the treasure chest again and went home for dinner. Inside the farmhouse, his wife was making cabbage soup. The farmer hated cabbage soup, but he ate it because he knew his wife loved it. But she didn't actually love it. She hated it, too. But they were poor and cabbage soup is easy to make because all you have to do is boil the cabbage in some water, take the cabbage out, and ta-da! cabbage soup. Then you can use the cabbage again the next day and make more. It's a never ending supply of food.

They sat down to eat the soup, but the farmer was having trouble because he was so pleased about his discovery. He was smiling to himself so much that he started choking as he was holding back his laughter. He kept choking and coughing and laughing and choking and coughing and laughing and choking and coughing and laughing till his wife said, "What is the matter with you? Be careful you don't choke to death!" And that's exactly what happened. He was choking and coughing and laughing so much that he died right there at the table. His wife was naturally shocked, but not too disappointed for she had gotten married at 14 and was sick of him and their endless supply of cabbage soup. She didn't know what to do now, though, so she went outside and grabbed the rake. She started raking and thinking and raking and thinking in the exact spot her late husband had been earlier in the day.

Suddenly, she hit something hard and discovered the treasure chest. She opened it up and shouted with joy at all the jewels, crowns, gold, silver, pearls, coins, and jewelry. She quickly buried it again though because she didn't want anyone to know.

"If I tell my neighbors, they will surely kill me in my sleep and take the money. I can't tell my husband because he's already dead. If I tell the animals they will kill me and take the money and buy a better farm," she mused. She realized that it was time for chores to be done so she covered the treasure chest and told the rake, "If you keep your mouth shut about this, I will buy you a golden rake cover." The rake was ecstatic for who had ever heard of a golden rake cover?

The farmer's wife went into the barn to milk the cow, but the cow was used to the farmer milking her so she got spooked and reared up on her hind legs and trampled the farmer's wife. She lay dead in the barn and her husband lay dead at the kitchen table.

Meanwhile, a few days later, the farmer's wife's sister came by to check up on her sister. She hadn't heard from her in a few days and wanted to know why. She entered the house and found the dead farmer and was surprised, but slightly relieved for her sister. She went into the barn and found her dead sister and was shocked and angry. She figured out that the cow had killed her so she slaughtered the cow and ate it as punishment. It was the world's first hamburger.

It was so delicious that she went home to her husband, who was also a farmer....Farmer MacDonald to be exact....Old MacDonald had a farm, after all....E I E I O.....and she had him try the new meal.

"I call it the....the....Cow Sandwich!" she declared proudly.

"The Cow Sandwich???" he said, exasperated. "You can't call it that! No one will ever want to eat that. That sounds disgusting!"

"Well, what would you call it?" she said mockingly.

"I'd call it...I'd call it...the...the...the Hamburger!" he exclaimed.

"The hamburger????" she shouted. "But it's not a ham or a burg and it's definitely not an R! What are you thinking??"

But the name stuck. And they decided to sell them and opened a shop called McDonald's.

*****Pause in the story....this is the part where I sliced my finger open on a broken mug. If you would like to take a tiny break in reading now, that's totally fair because I had to take a tiny break in telling it while I washed my finger off and put on a bandaid. Of course, in the time it took you to read that, all of that would be completed now, so I guess the break is obsolete. Please continue reading.******

One day, a huge windstorm was attacking the kingdom and lifted the rusting, splintering, not golden rake in the air and slammed it down at the door of an old, ugly woman who lived in the village. Frightened by the sound, she opened the door and found the rake. She was very confused. How could a rake just land on her doorstep like that? She reached out and grabbed the handle just as the wind picked the rake and the women up and flew them over the village.

People ran to the windows and saw her and cried out, "A witch! A witch!!"

But a very smart child said, "Nooo. Everyone knows that witches fly on brooms, not rakes! That's just the old, ugly woman down the street."

"Oh," said everyone, relieved.

"Go back to your work," said the child.

So the rake and woman flew all the way to the field of the dead farmer. It landed right on the spot both he and his wife had dug up. Now the rake, supported by the wind, was standing up right and moving back and forth.

"What are you doing?" the woman asked the rake. "It's like you're trying to tell me something or write something in the sand."

The rake just kept scraping back and forth, trying to tell the woman to dig.

"Do you want me to dig right here?" she finally asked.

The rake didn't answer, of course, but looked a trifle happier. The woman used the rake to scrape away the dirt and found the treasure chest. She was so happy she danced with glee around it. A family passing by in their horse and buggy stopped and stared, utterly scared.

"A witch! A witch!!!" they cried.

But their very smart child said, "That isn't a witch! Everyone knows witches dance around cauldrons, not chests! Drive on, Horse!" And they drove on.

The witch---I mean, the old, ugly woman was so excited, but reasoned within herself and said, thinking outloud, "I can't tell my neighbors for they will surely kill me in my sleep. I don't have any family or livestock, so you, Rake, are the only person I can tell. I'm rich! What shall I do? I know! I will buy the kingdom!"

And she did. She went to the prince and gave him all the treasure and bought the kingdom. Then she made the prince her slave, but when he didn't like that, she turned him into a frog, because she was an old, ugly woman and she could do that. You see, she didn't want all the young, pretty girls to have a young, handsome man, so she turned him into a frog. That's why there are so few young, handsome men out there because all the old, ugly women are jealous and turn them into frogs so no one can have them.

Anyway...the old, ugly woman was very unhappy because with all her riches and power, she could not make herself young and beautiful again. She was so sad she cried herself to death. For real. She cried so much she drowned in her own tears.

The rake was the only one who knew she had died so it decided to sit down in the throne. When it did, it turned into a handsome king who became a very kind ruler. No one even missed the old, ugly woman. He was very handsome and very kind and very generous. He gave a golden rake to every family because every family should have a golden rake.

The kingdom lived in peace and happiness forever. And they all lived happily ever after.

The End.

Epilogue: At the conclusion of this story, Timmy so wisely asked, "What happened to Old MacDonald and the hamburgers?"

"They are still in existence today," I said. "Haven't you ever been to McDonald's???"


The End For Real. ;)